Europeans frequently accuse Americans of shallowness based on our use of the phrase “how are you doing?” or “how’s it going?” as informal greetings eliciting but one possible answer:  “fine.”  The foreigner will complain, after having delivered a lengthy monologue on that evergreen topic—how he actually is doing or does feel—“it’s like they don’t even want to listen to my problems.”  No duh, Ulrich, nobody cares. 

Never mind that German Kultur employs several bizarre greetings of its own, for example, an especially creepy phrase given the national penchant for cannibalism, Mahl Zeit.  Mahl Zeit literally means “meal time” but can be used as a greeting like “Hello” at any time of day.  It’s usually muttered, and I’ve heard, is very non-U, but nonetheless, universally understood.

            “Hey.”

            “’S’ up.  Meal time.”

            “Meal time.”

Sounds like a case of the pot calling the kettle schwartz, if you ask me. (and BTW, if you’re reading this, it’s tantamount to your having asked me, so there.)

The explanation for this phenomenon of American shallowness versus European depth can be lengthy, and to be fair, quite interesting.  All about relative circles of acquaintance, varying cultural intimacy levels, and socio-buzz of that nature.  Positions I subscribe to in general, but in specific cases, not at all.  Cases like the one at hand.  Come on, Ulrich, use your Kopf.

We say “how are you?” or “how’s everything?” because that’s just what we say when we greet someone, whether a new acquaintance or an old friend.  The understood level of intimacy determines the actual depth of analysis we’re looking for in a reply.  

If I really know you and really care, you’ll know that too and give more detail.  “How are you” is conversational trope we use because almost no one says “how do you do?” anymore.  (Itself a probing and [as Hillary Clinton would say] “deeply personal” question if you think about it.) 

These conventional tics are common to all languages—phrases whose usage varies to some degree from their literal meanings.  Not to recognize this implies shallowness and lack of sophistication.

Variations exist— you sometimes run into the entertaining spectacle of old acquaintances meeting after a long spell.  One clearly owes the other money, or has done something beastly behind his back.  Sit back and watch “how are you” morph into a lengthy back and forth match of “so how are you”.  A very different animal.

            “How are you, Tom?”

                “It’s Bill.”

“Right, Bill.” 

“But great!  How are you?”

“Fine.  Really.  Great.”  [anxious, uncomfortable pause] “Soooo, how are you?”

                “Fine.”

                “Great.”

This exchange is delightful to witness, painful to participate in.  It mainly happens at Whole Foods.

There’s an analogous greeting ritual in the African American community known (to me, at least) as the “Fine-and-you-trap of circularity.”***  The pattern plays out among any combination of genders, but middle-aged, pre-elderly church ladies are undisputed champs and have the game down pat.  The rules are simple: never, ever allow your conversational partner to be the final inquirer as to your health and well-being. 

         “Evenin’, Miss Price, is that a new wig? How are you doing?”

            “Fine, Mizriz Stallworth, and you?”

            “Oh, just fine, and you”

            “Fine, fine, fine, and you?

            “Fine and you?

            “FINE—and you?

            “FINE AND YOU!!!!!!?????”

The exchange can continue for hours and is better than Wimbledon.  When a good rally is underway, you might as will bring a folding chair.  You’ll be there a while.

Next time:  The day of the week as an augury for how things are going.

***I’m pretty sure J.K. Rowlings’s next book is going to be Harry Potter and the Fine-and-You-Trap of Circularity.  “How are you, Hermione?”  “Fine, Ron.  And you?”  “Fine and you.”  “Fine and you.”  “Fine and you.” Undsoweiter…